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Write the vows down. You don’t have to frame them, but in the heat and passion of the moment its very easy to be overwhelmingly nervous during the ceremony. You’ll get through the vows because someone is speaking them at you, “Repeat after me” and you’ll repeat them back and forth. And when the wedding is over if you never had a hand in writing them you may literally not have any idea of what you said to each other. Now if you love them of course, you’ll know it. But, if you write them down somewhere and keep them or get a copy of what you actually said, it helps. When you are done, take that copy and slide it behind your favorite wedding picture. I mean that sincerely and before today’s over you’ll understand why.
Because when the honeymoon ends, the work of the marriage actually begins. Marriage has stages that are almost universal. By that I mean everybody is unique and you are unique as a couple and your marriage is unique. I’m not trying to take away or lessen the personal uniqueness of your marriage. Amazingly enough, there’s enough consistency of what married couples go through that we can actually teach the stages of marriage. We can’t put a tight time frame on them but we can say that almost every marriage without exception, goes through these 3 stages.
[1 – HONEYMOON STAGE]
[1] The first stage is called the honeymoon stage.
[2] The second stage is called the disillusionment stage
[3] and the third stage is called resolution or accommodation.
Today we will walk through these stages and I hope you will see why I think this is the most important lecture of the semester. See. Many marriages end when the honeymoon ends. You must realize there is disillusionment in marriage. But lets talk about the honeymoon stage.
The honeymoon stage is the beginning of the transition from being single to being married. It is a dramatic transition. The honeymoon stage though is characterized by a lot of romance, a lot of warm fuzzies. This is that stage that is so unique and romantic that you’ll make love on the kitchen cabinets while supper burns and you won’t even care. This is the stage where you have an insatiable desire for one another. The time where you feel uniquely blessed and your marriage is something very special and unique and together you can conquer anything you ever encounter. The romantic glow and excitement from the honeymoon and the wedding still permeates the relationship. And you still have that warm glow and the newness of the marriage. You are very optimistic about the future in the honeymoon stage. Nothing can ever go wrong. No problem is insurmountable. Nothing could ever get between you. You have the perfect union. Even though there’s minor irritations and little spats here and there, you might get a little grumpy but the honeymoon phase is the time where that’s just nothing. A little spat is just a little spat and it just makes it more fun to make up. More passionate. Regardless of what other people think and tell you during the honeymoon phase there’s a tendency to believe that that feeling will last forever. And it can. Not really but it can last a very long time. My wife and I managed to stretch out the honeymoon phase for the first 5,6,7, 8 years of our marriage. Literally. You can stretch it out if you are lucky. Its a very important phase.
The honeymoon phase is extremely important because it provides a stable foundation for your marriage. It lets you know you enjoy being alone, together. That as a couple, you don’t need anybody else to be happy, content, satisfied, nurtured, cared for and well loved. It should be a time of satisfaction for both of you. Just the plain old pleasurable task of realizing how many more ways you are similar than you even thought before the marriage. You can always tell honeymooners, you can see it on their faces, they glow. They’re happy. They’re excited. And this excitement is something that should provide you a memory, a source of satisfaction for both and it will actually be something that you need later in the marriage.
[2 – DISILLUSIONMENT]
At some point in the marriage. For most couples this happens about 6 months, a year , a year and a 1/2 into the marriage a stage called disillusionment begins. The disillusionment stage is the beginning of the end for most marriages today. At this point many marriages cease even though it takes another year to file for divorce and several months to go through it. That’s why the average marriage lasts 3 to 5 years. If you don’t hear anything else today hear this. That is the disillusionment stage and its normal! Disillusionment stage is the stage of buyer’s remorse. You’ll know it when you wake up one morning. Maybe you’ve had your first real fight. That fight where instead of just sparring with each other you decided to try to hurt each other. That fight where all of the little things you’ve learned in the intimacy of your relationship suddenly turns to weaponry. When suddenly you go for the juggler. You’ll know its disillusionment stage because you’ll wake up that morning and the door will slam, no kisses good-bye. Women you’ll say something like “I can’t believe I married that S.O.B.” Guys, you’ll go out the door saying something like, “I can’t believe its the ball and chain they told me it was. I had no idea she was such a .....whatever.” You’ll really do this. Tears will start to form. Wedding pictures will come out, you will cry on them. You’ll find yourself saying, “I can’t believe I didn’t see this before we were married. How could I have let myself marry this guy.”
Kind of like when you buy a brand new car. Have you ever bought a brand new car? Just to get in it got you all ...ohhh, the smell of a new car, the fresh feel of the interior, the flawless paint job. And you would do anything to cherish and care for that new car. You would park it miles away from any other car. You’d carefully walk around it and look for nicks and dings or scraps. And as time passed, you got a little door ding here, you accidentally backed into that concrete pole there, a side swipe at the ATM machine. Little things here and there. You spilled that ice tea all over the front seat, your best friend threw up beer all over the back seat. The newness has worn off now and the reality and the pain sets in. Now you are writing out that check for $370.00 every month saying “I can’t believe I bought this.” That’s just a little buyer’s remorse. The newness wears off and reality sets in. That is called buyer’s remorse. You do the same thing in marriage.
The intimacy in the relationship tends to exacerbate the problems and the irritants. Little bitty things - “Ohh its so cute how he always throws his underwear in the corner over there in a pile, we fixed that when we got married, but he’s just so cute.” “Ahh, its just so sweet how she feels free to use my razor on her legs, it cut my face to ribbons but I love her and what the heck...” That’s the honeymoon phase. But, in the disillusionment phase he goes, “Why did you use my razor again! Can’t you see what it does to my face!!!” See. This intimacy that we so much strive for, that we want so badly, once you’ve got it, guess what, you don’t have any privacy anymore. Those little bitty things. You thought it was cute when he occasionally passed gas and now that’s all he does. I got tickled yesterday because I was reading this article on this major divorce case and it actually set a precedence because the number 1 complaint that the wife had on her divorce papers was flatulence. She was sick and tired of her husband passing gas constantly. And she divorced him for it! And the judge granted it! Said “Yep, I can understand, that could be a problem.” But what was seen as cute is now not cute anymore. What was tolerable becomes intolerable.
Young couples will always start off in counseling with words like this, “Well, he used to...” “Well, she used to....” And here’s what the used to’s were.
He used to leave me little notes on the pillow.
He used to bring me little surprises.
He used to call me up just to tell me he loved me.
He used to say, “You lay there and I’ll fix breakfast and bring it to you.”
He used to want to dance at night before we made love.
He used to be romantic.
Or.......
She used to dress up sexy for me when I came home.
She used to be really seductive.
She used to surprise me.
She used to...
Well, what’s the problem here. Now, all he does is “leave the dirty clothes in a pile and expects me to pick them up” and “he won’t ever help me around the house.” And he’ll say, “Well she expects me to go out and mow the lawn after a hard day at work and I..........”
Wait a minute. What are we really saying here. You want to hear some of the better excuses I’ve heard? “I don’t like the way he hawks in the shower.” That’s a good one. “I don’t like the way he blows his nose on his T-shirts and then leaves them around for me to pick up.” I like that one ,too. What’s really happening here? Little behaviors. Things that didn’t really bother you in the romance but now constant closeness is starting to change this. First time I ever had to wear a tie - Blinn College because ties are required. I can deal with that, I’m a teacher, I’ve worn a tie before. I put it on and within a week my neck is all red and raw and I’m having to put lotion on my neck. Why? Because I was unaccustomed to the closeness of cloth to my skin. Even though we dream of intimacy and closeness in a relationship, once you’ve really got it it starts to rub a little bit. Little irritation here, little irritation there, they add up. Kind of like that collar, before you know it you’re chaffed, you’re raw, you’re sensitive. You don’t want anybody to touch you there. Its kind of like that in a relationship. You know, can’t I ever have my privacy? That’s the number one complaint I hear in the disillusionment stage from young couples. Can’t I ever have my privacy?! No. You lost it when you got married.
Now, you should have your private moments and you should respect that with each other. But you literally gave that up. You did. And now in the disillusionment stage it starts to chaff. Disillusionment regret. You start feeling like you made some sort of grievous error. You start feeling like you’re trapped in a relationship. There’s a tendency to feel like somehow you made the biggest mistake of your life. Once again I want to point out - this is normal. This is not the unusual. The biggest mistake I think in our country and culture today is nobody tells young people that this is a normal stage. That you will wake up one morning and regret that you are married. Its usually a really great shock to a young couple when it happens because it seems to just happen. In that first fight I talked about a couple of minutes ago. Many young couples are just stunned that they could get so vicious toward each other. Stunned that that partner could come at them like that. They’re shocked. And in the state of shock they decide in their mind that the marriage is just over. He doesn’t love me anymore. There is enough country western music out there to last a lifetime that sings about the disillusionment stage.
When the disillusionment stage sets in, do not go outside of your marriage to get a better friend. See. All of a sudden we don’t feel as good about ourselves because we don’t see the relationship as building us up the way it did in the honeymoon stage. And we just don’t feel that good about ourselves and there is a real tendency to turn outside the relationship for reinforcement. Danger. Danger. If you are going to have a sexual affair, this is your first real test. And it really is. There’s a tendency to want to call up an old boyfriend. Just to talk. So he can tell you “Well, I would have treated you right.” If a man says “Hey, you’re looking really good.” There’s a tendency to go “GOSH I really needed to hear that.” I’ve been married and I don’t feel like I look that good anymore and I need that reinforcement. And guys you’ve got that same danger. If you turn to another female and say, “My wife, she’s ..its just not working. She doesn’t understand me .” In a heartbeat you’re going to hear. “Well, I’d be really understanding.” In other words, the door here opens radically fast to ending the marriage. It concerns me our culture has encouraged us with this kind of throw away mentality. Well, it doesn’t work as good as it used to, toss that puppy out and buy another one. And this is what about half the young couples do. And why many marriages end when the honeymoon does.
Because when this disillusionment sets in, you suddenly see your partner as a real person. That romanticized notion, that rewarding self, that specialized vision you’ve had of that person crumbles and they just become a real person. With real faults, real pain, real problems, real emotions. Kind of mundane, isn’t it? Now. You know its easy to toss the relationship when things that were once cute become irritants. Its real easy when little faults become big faults. It is also very easy to get on each others nerves. But once again, realize that this is normal. This is just being real people in a real world in real situations. Realize that your parents and your grandparents and great grandparents went through this. Realize that that couple you see out there that has been married 75 years, that the old couple down the street or at church or next door or whatever that have been married all those years and seem so happy, they went through it too. No one is truly exempt. Now realize it for an important reason because on the other side of disillusionment comes the real marriage. That is the part you have got to realize. The other side of disillusionment is the reality of a satisfying marriage. And it is the disillusionment stage that builds the set upon which you can live out a glorious marriage. How? Simple.
[3 – RESOLUTION/ACCOMODATION]
You start adjusting your expectations and make your marriage real. It is that simple. Unfortunately, it is not that easy. Because as you become troubled in the disillusionment stage you have a tendency to blame your partner for everything that went wrong. And there is this tendency to say, “It’s your fault! If YOU just weren’t or if YOU just would.” There’s that YOU. “Why can’t YOU get it right!?!” There’s a tendency to hurt each other in the disillusionment stage. And because of that there is a tendency to destroy what you had in the courtship. A tendency to forget. Because instead you go, “You’re not living up to the promises YOU made. You’re not keeping your word about what YOU said YOU would do.” That brings to mind another point. A little side trip here. Promises made before the marriage of something they’ll quit after the marriage. Forget it. If its something real important that you want them to quit, whatever it is - it needs to be quit, over, said, dead, done, before you ever go to the alter. Because otherwise during the honeymoon stage they’ll keep doing whatever it was and you’ll forgive them. In the disillusionment stage you’ll say, “You told me you’d quit dipping and by God you’ve never quit. That shows you don’t love me.” “You told me that you would... (whatever). You haven’t quit and that shows me you don’t love me anymore.”
[3.1. ESTABLISH REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS]
Now, how do you get from disillusionment to accommodation? I said it was simple. You just set up realistic expectations of a marriage. But its not easy. Its not easy because in order to do this you have to first adjust your own expectations of the marriage itself. Now you have got a realistic view of each other. And a realistic view of your world. So now you have to stand back and inside yourself you have to actually change what you expected that marriage to be. The second thing that you have to do is rebuild the spark that united you in the first place. Remember that song. “There’s nothin’ cold as ashes after the fire is gone” - well you don’t ever let it get that dead in disillusionment, hopefully. When you recognize that you are just disillusioned, you recognize that you have got to rekindle the spark before it is all burned out. This is where the little hint about the vows comes in real handy. Because during these sorts of times, sit down with that favorite wedding picture, reach behind that picture, pull out the copy of your wedding vows and read them to each other again. What was it you agreed to do?
I think you’re going to realize very quickly that there is a weakness to this discussion. And the weakness is it is based on the assumption that the love you went into the marriage with had all four components. Intimacy, passion, commitment, spirituality. See, its based on that assumption. So if you went into it some other way I can’t promise you this will work. If you went into it some other way, you are on your own here. Because what you are relying on here, when you sit down together and pull out those vows, you are relying on the part of love called commitment. Commitment is the desire to keep the marriage going. If that desire is not there, you’ve got a problem. Deep down inside I want you using rational choices to get you into your marriage. I want you using rational choices because rational choices allow you to analyze what you are doing and not just be swept along in the throes of passion and romanticism. But instead gives you concrete feelings going into it about what it is you have got established in your relationship because now you need it. Now you sit down together and you talk.
[3.2. COMMUNICATION/CONFLICT RESOLUTION]
How do you build a realistic marriage? You decide together. You set new goals. You set realistic goals. You discuss your expectations from the marriage. You talk about what it is you need from the relationship. You talk about realistically what you can give to the relationship. Now obviously this requires good communication skills. Communication skills become very important here. Talk, listen, ask questions, clarify responses, repeat the person back to themselves in your own words to see if you got the meaning or not. “I hear you saying this, I interpret it like this, I take it to mean this, is that what you mean?!” That may sound like a bizarre process but it is one that allows you to clarify feelings in concrete terms. When you say things like, “You don’t send me flowers anymore.” That’s a song there too. Then I need to say something like, “Well, I really hadn’t thought about that, what is it about sending flowers that you are missing? How are you interpreting that because I’m just trying to keep the budget straight because now that we’re married I really didn’t think we could afford them that often.”
You will find out that men tend to think very differently about the very same circumstances. There tends to be a difference in opinion about what’s going on there. You’ll find out when we talk about infidelity that women are much more frightened of their husband falling in love with somebody else while men are much more frightened of their wives having sex with somebody else. There’s a different criteria there. Men tend to think a little more concrete, not quite as ethereal. The same thing goes on when you start talking about what’s going wrong in your marriage. You have got to get real concrete. “You don’t ever stop to tell me you love me.” “What do you mean I don’t tell you I love you. I’m out there busting my butt 12 hours a day to make enough money to pay for this. Doesn’t that let you know I love you!” “Well, I need to hear it sometimes.” “Why do you need to hear it, I show it to you every day.” Sound familiar?! Do you ever hear your folks argue like this? People really do this. Because once again there is a difference in expectations about what is going on here.
The accommodation stage is the beginning of the best part of the marriage that can exist. The resolution/accommodation stage is when you can learn really well to resolve the conflict between you. Now is when you need to start it. Conflict resolution becomes the key to the rest of your marriage. Communication is primary in conflict resolution. At this point you need to express and practice awareness. You need to express and practice caring. You need to express and display commitment. Folks, this is hard work. I am not going to pretend its not. One of the problems with the disillusionment stage is usually the sex is o.k. In fact usually the sex life amazingly enough doesn’t suffer. Sex life in marriage is an interesting graph. For most marriages it peaks and holds like this for years. But in a good marriage it starts off here [points to graph] and even though frequency declines , satisfaction starts off here [points to graph] and with a good marriage sexual satisfaction continually increases. Isn’t that wild! You become more satisfied. The satisfaction of sex is very important to your marriage, not the act of sex. Studies have found that most couples have to be married about 15 years before their sex life becomes most satisfying. You think its good now, you ain’t seen nothing yet! I know its hard to envision your parents having a sex life but people do and it just gets better.
At this point with the resolution stage you actually begin a truly happy successful marriage. Now you can say, “Our marriage has really begun.” Because now you are on a realistic footing. Maybe here it is appropriate to step aside a few minutes. Let me give you some feedback on successful marriages. Long term successful marriages. What do they have in common? Because if you are going to try to move from disillusionment to resolution maybe you need to have a goal out there of what a happy successful marriage is. Maybe if you have some common points that seem consistent in a long lasting, happy, successful marriage. See, I don’t consider successful just long lasting but where you are truly satisfied. Where you are truly happy that you’re married. To me that is a big part of the success. Lets look at some of the things that seem to make a difference. First things - quality time together. Quantity is important too. Five minutes a day of quality time is not good for the marriage. It needs more time then that. So when I’m talking about quality time together I’m including the thought that you are going to make it a little more expansive then just a few minutes. You need to spend time doing things you enjoy that add quality to your life. In other words, do the little things together.
[3.3. FRIENDSHIP]
Your spouse needs to be your best friend. And I’m going to be real honest here. There should be no one, in my opinion. There should be no one, not a mother, not your brother or sister, not the girl you work with or the guy next door. There should be no one who is a better friend to you then your spouse. In the disillusionment stage don’t pick up the phone and call your Mom and say I married a beast because she’s going to say. “Yeah, you did, come on home.” Don’t turn outside of the marriage.
Don’t talk to anybody about it until you talk to your spouse about it because if your spouse is your best friend think about how you’ve treated best friends all your life. You can see your best friend at school in the morning and go “Hey, how’s it going!?!” And they’ll go “Leave me alone.” And you’ll go “O.K. That’s cool, I’ll talk to you later.” You walk off, you don’t feel bad, you know their in a bad mood, etc. You’ll see them in a little while and they’ll be o.k. Or even if its not. Look at the things you forgive your best friends for. You forgive your best friends for all sorts of behaviors. If your spouse is your best friend, it is a lot easier to forgive. You’ll even make their excuses for them. If you are not and you have a better friend outside of the marriage you have got problems now because you will go outside the marriage and tell them everything. You’re going to go to them to do your quality time. Guys, beware of that “night with the boys”. The reason I say beware is because of the idea you have friends out there that are more important then your marriage. That can be very threatening. Not that you have to become walled off from the rest of society because that is detrimental too. Not that you shouldn’t have professional and comfortable associating relationships outside the marriage. That is important for social networking and being human. Not that you shouldn’t talk to people and be friendly with people and share with people. But just don’t let anybody become a better friend then your spouse. Then quality time is just that. Doing the little things together to have fun. Now here, I’ll be honest. Little things together could mean anything. Setting the table together, cooking the meal together, doing the dishes together. I won’t pretend I do dishes anymore. But, it is very important to spend time as a couple just doing something for fun. You should have some hobbies in common. You should find common interests. And then spend quality time doing those things from which you both derive pleasure together.
[3.4. AFFECTION]
The second thing that is associated with happy, successful marriages is high affection and high sex frequency. And I don’t mean up on top of the house. I mean that you should be affectionate often. Allot. And all the time. Affectionate here means just that. Playfully affectionate. Seriously affectionate and you should have a lot of sex. Now you should determine between you and your partner what the term “a lot of” is. High sex frequency is determined by you. To some people high sex frequency is twice a month. But if they are content with that. So be it. To some people it might even be less than that. I can’t imagine that but I’m sure there are some people out there that can. To some people its 4 or 5 times a day. Hey, you could accommodate that. Use your imagination, be innovative. The idea here believe it or not, is sex doesn’t make the marriage and don’t think I’m saying that. But sex sure does grease the wheels. It stops a lot of squeaking. A satisfied sex life holds a very high correlation with a satisfied marriage. And you will find out that the key to a good sex life is really not that hard to come up with and we will have a great class on that. I won’t give you all the details, I won’t explain all the little things but I will explain enough that I think you will get the idea. And you will realize that most of what goes on with sex is right here. Up here in the brain. A good sex life is what occurs in your mind and not just what goes on in your genitals.
[3.5. EQUALITY AND RESPECT]
So, next big thing is treat each other with equality and respect. Now here equality can be interpreted any way you want to. If you need respect for one type of role versus another its not stating what gender roles should be it is stating that sense you agree on what gender roles are in your marriage and sense you understand what they are you realize that both of you are equally as important. Not one is greater than the other. Without both of you the marriage would not be there. And you must treat each other with the respect deserved by that. The realization that that spouse is as important as you are leads you to treat them with the same respect that you treat yourself. Course I guess there is a little problem there, you have got to love and respect yourself before you can respect and love someone else.
STRENGTHS in LONG-TERM MARRIAGES
1. INTIMACY]]
What are some of the strengths in long term happy marriages? I think the first real strength in long term successful marriage is intimacy. And yes, this is just one facet of love. But intimacy - the bonded closeness with your spouse that permeates the entire relationship. That bondedness that encompasses the emotional and the physical and the spiritual side of your life. That bondedness that allows you to share your deepest hurts, dreams, desires. Those deepest fears, longings. Intimacy is the strength of the relationship.
2. COMMITMENT]]
The second real strength is commitment. Commitment is that desire to keep the marriage working always and above everything else. Don’t even let divorce be an option. When things get tough and things get rough, its real easy to say well “Hey, if you don’t like me, I’m outta here. You don’t like it, I’ll just leave. If you don’t like it, get a divorce. “You open the door and actually make it an option when you do that. Even if those are words said in anger, even if they are not what you really mean. You never know, you could wake up and the papers will be sitting on your desk. Decide up front when you get married that divorce isn’t an option. At least give it enough commitment that you put divorce so far back on the list you just don’t ever let it pop up until you have tried and exhausted every possibility that exists. You came together by choice to get married and choice should be the basis of your commitment to stay married.
3. COMMUNICATION]]
The third thing. Communication. Sharing thoughts, feelings, self disclosure, using feedback to understand your partner, trying to clarify the meanings of words to make sure the feelings attached to the words are an accurate representation of what your partners trying to get across to you. Making sure that when you say something that those words carry with them the feeling and the meanings and the emotions that you want them to. Realize that it is critical to not turn words into weapons. The one weapon that most damages the relationship of two people who truly love each other is the tongue. And it sometimes seems to be independent of everything else we think. Sometimes it seems that the tongue just goes off on its own and instead speaks with the desire to eviscerate or the desire to destroy. When that is directed at your partner the recovery is so hard. Communication is a strength in marriage. Communication becomes primary here. Communication is also a resolve to understand. See, words are empty if the person receiving them doesn’t attach meaning to them. I love it when people say, “words can never convey what I really feel” because its true. Words become inadequate. They become inadequate because they cannot convey all the love and emotion and care and commitment. Let them be validity factors of the good kind. Let them be what limits your ability to express your love because you can keep trying and exploring and make it bigger all the time. Communication is the strength to a happy and successful marriage.
4. CONGRUENCE]
The next strength I call congruence. What I mean here is that your perception of the marriage and your partners perception of the marriage are the same figure. And if you lay one on top of the other you would see the same figure . In other words, the actual perception of the marriage is the same. Its so easy to have a his and her marriage. This is his marriage and he defines it his way and this is her marriage and she defines it her way. It is amazing how different those definitions can be. At some point if your perception is radically different your marriage will drift. See, there is more than just staying married. Remember I told you you are up against a challenge folks. It is an amazing challenge for you to have a happy, successful marriage. The slight majority of first marriages last until one of the partners dies. But of those marriages that last a lifetime, 3/4 of them are de-vitalized marriages, marriages where love is not there. The people co-exist, they co-habitate, they have a house, they raise children together, they share their income, they share things. But what they don’t share is the emotional bondedness. They don’t share the emotional love and loop of feedback that feeds itself and allows itself to be sustaining and fulfilling and nurturing and feeling.
A successful marriage to me is still that which is defined happy, where the marriage adds to the quality of life of both of the people in congruence. This idea that you want them to be the same version so the his and the hers give the same view of what the marriage actually is and means to each of the partners.
5. RELIGIOUS ORIENTATION]
Religious orientation is the fifth real strength of a long term, successful marriage. And I say it just that way. Religious orientation. Whatever it is that you feel gives the world a spiritual side , whatever it is that you feel is out there that makes life bigger than the mundane. Whatever you feel religion is, share that with your spouse. Seek the same view. Then religious orientation provides and maintains. One, it provides a social net of friends that agree with you and tend to support your belief system. In other words, it provides you with a group of people that say, “Yeah, that’s how you’re supposed to believe .” And not “Why?” The second thing religious orientation provides you is moral guidance in resolving problems. One of the real strengths of religion, whether it be organized, or disorganized, is it provides you with a moral basis for behavior. Moral basis gives you something to turn to in times of marital crisis. Within your marriage the sense of moral guidance leads you through the decision process together.
Marriage, it’s how you see it. On one level of course, its just that regulation of having children and maintaining control over sexual behaviors. On another level it is that institution that socializes the young, teaches them the rules of culture and gives the foundation to enter the social order. On another level, it’s a relationship that provides for each other the necessities, shares the burden and cost of day to day labor, shares the burden and cost of providing for the family.
But on a much more profound level, marriage becomes the perfect union of two people. Not that you give up who you are, but that together the synergistic formation supersedes both of you and lasts eternally. I truly believe that marriage is more than life itself. I truly believe marriage enters into the realm of forever. And that’s a very long time. It’s a forever that can be filled with joy, contentment, peace, harmony, security. Security knowing you’ve got someone to watch your back. Security knowing that someone cares. Security knowing that you’ve got a partner that will walk with you the rest of your days friend who will truly be there beyond death itself. Happy, successful marriages. It’s tough. The wedding is so stressful, the honeymoon is so ecstatic, the disillusionment is such a downer. But on the other side of that disillusionment folks, is the road to eternity. Carry that with you as a thought. Think about it a little bit. See if you don’t follow the logic of building a successful marriage. Have a great day!
Rev. Roland Hunter Johnson III
PO Box 262
Wellborn, TX 77881
(979)-690-3113
roland@bnchurch.org
licensed to the Gospel Ministry, Central Baptist Church, Bryan Texas
ordained to the Gospel Ministry, First Baptist Church, Austin, Texas
EDUCATION
B.A.AS Occupational Education Southwest Texas State University
Occupation: Religion and Theology Emphasis: Human Relations
Master of Science, Sociology Texas A&M University
Additional Graduate Studies, Sociology Southwest Texas State University
Additional Graduate Studies, Vocational Education, Psychology
Southwest Texas State University
Additional Graduate Studies, Sociology, Philosophy Texas A&M University
SUBSTANTIVE AREAS
Family, Marriage, Social Theory, Technology, Postmodern Culture
PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE
Pastor, Church With No Walls, Wellborn, Texas 1995-Present
President of R Talks Ministry, College Station, Texas 1999-Present
Adjunct Faculty, Sociology, Cy-fair College 2003-Present
Full Regular Faculty, Sociology, Blinn College, Bryan, Texas 1991-99
Graduate Assistant Teaching, Texas A&M University, College Station , Texas 1990-92
Vocational Education for Handicapped, Leander High School, Leander, Texas 1984-86
Building Trades, San Marcos High School, San Marcos, Texas 1983-84
Graduate Assistant Teaching, Southwest Texas State University, San Marcos, Texas 1982-83
Interim Minister to Youth and College, First Baptist Church, Austin, Texas 1981-82
Science Teacher, S. M. Treatment Center of the Brown Schools, San Marcos, Texas 1979-81
PROFESSIONAL AND SERVICE ACTIVITIES
Faculty Sponsor, Baptist Student Ministry, Cy- Fair College 2003-Present
Special Committee on Technology to Advise the President, Blinn College 1997-99
Advisor to the President on Distance Learning Development 1996-99
Faculty Advisor, Student Government Association of Brazos County, 1992-96
Recruiter, Blinn College of Brazos County, 1992-94
Academic Advisor, Blinn College, 1991-95
Host, Texas Junior College Student Government Association State Executive Board, 1994-95
Parliamentarian, TJCSGA State Executive Board, 1993-94
Chair, Instructional Technology Committee, Blinn College, 1995-96
Chair, Allocations Subcommittee of Instructional Technology Committee, Blinn College, 1994-95
Chair, Southern Association Accreditation and Review, Computer Resources Subcommittee, Blinn College, 1992-94
ADMINISTRATIVE SERVICE
Lead Sociologist, Bryan Campus, Blinn College 1993-98
Coordinator, Women’s Federal Prison Camp, Blinn College Campus 1994-95
Marketing Representative, Blinn College Center for Training and Development 1991-92
Director of Wellness and Fitness Promotion, Leander ISD, Leander, Texas 1985-86
COURSES TAUGHT AT BLINN COLLEGE
Marriage and Family, SOCI 2301
Introduction to Sociology, SOCI 1301
Social Problems, SOCI 1306
Sociology Telecourse, SOCI 1301
COURSES TAUGHT AT TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY
Marriage as an Institution, SOCI 315
Introduction to Sociology, SOCI 205
COURSE TAUGHT AT SOUTHWEST TEXAS STATE UNIVERSITY
Social Problems
PUBLICATIONS
Johnson, Roland H. III, Thoughts for You, 1999, R Thoughts Publishing, Bryan Texas
Johnson, Roland H. III, Chemicals and Campesinos, 1992 Thesis Texas A&M University
Watts, Johnson, “Employability of Sociology Graduates, 1982.” Teaching Sociology, Vol. II No.2, January 1984 183-204
INTERNET PUBLICATIONS
Johnson, Roland H. III BNChurch®, 2001-Present, http://www.bnchurch.org
Johnson, Roland H. III, RTalks Minstry, 1999-Present, http://www.rtalks.com
Johnson, Roland H. III, The Asphalt Philosopher, 1995-2001, http://www.asphaltphilosopher.com
SPECIAL PRESENTATIONS
Lecture Series, “Building Successful Marriage”, 2000, sponsored by Blinn Christian Fellowship
Distinguished Lecture Series, “Myths of Modern Marriage,” 1998, sponsored by Phi Theta Kappa
Lecture Series, “Marriage: From Dating to Mating,” 1997, sponsored by Blinn Christian Fellowship
Lecture Series, “ Successful Marriage: Designing a Plan,” 1993, sponsored by Blinn Student Government Association
Lecture Series, “Marriage in Today’s World,” 1992, sponsored by Blinn Christian Fellowship
PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT
International Meeting of the American Sociological Association New York, 1996
Conference for Teaching Excellence Waco, 1995
League of Innovation Conference on Instructional Technology Houston, 1994
Conference on Development of Multimedia for the Classroom Brazosport, 1994
National Institute of Staff and Organizational Development,
International Conference on Excellence in Teaching Austin, 1993
Texas Department of Commerce Conference on Technology Transfer San Antonio, 1992
This Webpage was created for a workshop held at Saint Andrew's Abbey, Valyermo, California in
2002
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